Terms of Use

We had a bet whether or not you were going to come here (and actually read our Terms of Use for elliptical cardio dot com)!

While we will not say who won, thank you for visiting our Terms of Use page.

The lawyers and scary behind the scenes people said you would, but we did not believe them.

We spent years decoding the legal jargon that was the old Terms of Use and making it easier to read.

So, please, read the super important stuff that we spent time decoding for you. It keeps you safe from those who lurk in the shadows (lawyers and attorneys) and makes it easier for us to have fun on our site.

We run this site, www.ellipticalcardio.com, so that only you and people like you, or those who like you, can be entertained, gratified, informed, educated, and communicated with in a fun way. So, feel free to browse about and have a lot of fun! You can go as far as downloading things from this site. However, this must be done for non-commercial ways that are personal. Never try to mess with the copyrights that we have in place, either, as they are important and send alarms to us if you touch them (they are actually alive! Wow!). So, do not distribute, transmit, modify, repost, or reuse anything without our permission.

This includes video, audio, images, or text for any public or commercial reasons.

Visiting our site means that you abide by and are stuck with, as well as agree with, all terms and conditions that you will read below. This also means that you abide by local, state, country, and planetary rules and regulations, as well as those on the Internet and World Wide Web.

If you so choose to continue, brave browser, you do so at your own risk. Once you enter, there is no turning back!

Without any further yammering, we present you our Lovely Terms of Use Guide For Browsing Our Site. (A bunch of rules.)

  1. For your sake and the sake of everybody else, please assume that this entire site, www.ellipticalcardio.com, is copyrighted and quarantined. This means that you are never allowed to use it except for the way we say, and cannot use things unless we tell you that you can. We will probably not given you permission, either written or verbal, since our lawyers like to veto us all the time, but you can still try. We like to share stories about people who beg to use our awesome information and reviews!
  2. We do try to make the stuff on here as accurate as possible, but we will never promise accuracy. Actually, we do promise you will have a lot of fun! SO, be sure that you use everything here at your own risk. We do not want you to hurt your eyes or your head because you face-palmed really hard and were not careful during browsing sessions. Safety first!
  3. Anybody involved in the production, delivery, or creation of this site and reviews will not be held liable or responsible for any damages, no matter what they are, that you suffer on this site. Our lawyers want you to know that no incidental, direct, indirect, punitive, or consequential damages cannot be held against us. These reviews and this information is given AS IS and without any types of warranties that are implied or expressed, including and not limited to fitness for a particular purpose, non-infringement, or and implied warranties regarding merchantability. Although some places might not allow excluding warranties, some of these things might not apply to you. Please check your local laws to know whether they do or not (and do not ask us because we do not know, thanks!) We are sorry for exposing you to that! We had to because the lawyers and attorneys made it sound all professional. However, in short, it means that you are responsible for things that happen to you here. If it hurts your feelings, makes your puppies sad, or give your children nightmares, we are not at fault. Just be careful and do not call us if anything goes wrong. You are an adult.
  4. Do you have private things that you do not want to share? We love when you share them on our site because they then belong to us! However, if you do not want to share these things, please do not post them on our site. They become ours, which is nice for us. After you post things here we can publish, transmit, disclose, reproduced (digitally, we hope), broadcast or post it anywhere else. We can and will send it to your parents, college, and place of employment. In addition, any techniques, expertise, knowledge, ideas, and concepts that you share with us will become ours. Therefore, those secrets for world domination need to be kept safe or we will develop, manufacture, and market them.
  5. Any pictures of places or people you see on our site belong to us. They may also belong to those who are affiliated with us. This by no means gives you permission to use them to mess with them. This means that you leave them alone and do not share them with others. If it is here on our site it does not belong to you, so keep it to yourself if you download it. We would hate to see it somewhere it should not be and take legal recourse against you. Sole fitness, Sole E95 elliptical and other ellipticals are trademarks of their respective owners.
  6. We have a lot of cool services marks, trademarks and logos on our site. We own these or were given permission to use them. Therefore, you do not have any type of license to them and have no chance of getting one, sorry! Be sure that you do not remove them from their natural location on our site. They get terribly upset and will probably summon an entire court proceeding to your home in short order if you do so. Leave them alone and do not manipulate or change them and things will be fine. We do not want to have to bring the prosecutors, lawyers, attorneys, and armies of Right against you for this, but we will, oh yes we will. These are our property.
  7. We have many links to other sites here. You will probably be curious about them and click on them. However, be aware that we have no control over, and want no control over, what they are and what is on them. This means that you browse these sites, links, and portals to other dimensions at your own risk. You are a grown up so it should be fine. If it harms you, your pet, or blows up your car because a virus was hiding out, you cannot hold is liable or responsible. Sorry!
  8. Speaking of our site, here is a bit about what you do on our site. We do occasionally listen in and watch what does on in discussion groups, forums, bulletin boards and chats. However, we take zero responsibility or liability for anything that you see on these locations. This includes libel, mistakes, defamation, slander, falsehoods, omissions, obscenity, profanity or pornography. This also means that you are not to be stupid and post anything bad on our site. These bad things would be anything profane, mean, nasty, pornographic, inflammatory, scandalous, obscene, defamatory, libelous, threatening or unlawful. If you do and it is something that could be a criminal offense, or that honestly scares or worries us, we will without a doubt go after you with the full extent of the law. We definitely respect your privacy, but we will not respect it if it damages or worries us.
  9. Anything used on this site is safeguarded by Patriot Laws of the US. Because of this you cannot download, send, or deal with this software if you live in certain places. These places that can be nice vacation spots for some are any places that have embargoed goods, Syria, Iran, North Korea, Libya, Iraq, The Moon, or Cuba. In addition, none on or part of the Table of Deny Orders, Internet Troll List, Specially Designated Nationals, or any other scary lists can be on here. If you are unlucky enough to live in or be part of these groups, please understand that you have to go. Just pretend you were never here so we do not have to report you, and so that you can go on living your life (as long as you give us your computer and undying loyalty).
  10. We honestly reserve the right to change anything we want on our page. You know, it is our page, right? So, you cannot go getting upset and mad at us for changing things, or these rules, or because we put cute ponies all over the place or replace your mouse pointer with a kitten. Our programmers like doing this stuff sometimes and we let them. Therefore, you are stuck with any changes that are made. Yay!
  11. This brings us to the last and most confusing part of these Terms of Use. If any of us decides to sue or bring the other side to court, we must follow something kind of like the Geneva Convention. This is to be done in the United Kingdom and governed under their laws, without any regard to conflicting laws. This means that if you have threatened or violated our site, www.ellipticalcardio.com, our materials, our affiliates or us, you will have to deal with us, seeking injunctive relief within London. This means you consent to the venue, as well as the jurisdiction. Any other disputes will be dealt with in a much harsher way that is no fun for anybody. In short, you will have to deal with us in London with the help of an agreed upon mediator that we both want. We will split all of the fees for this except for our own attorney fees.

If by some strange occurrence this does not work, we move on to the next stage.

This means that the problem has spiraled out of control and is no longer fun for anybody, including the arbiter. We will then have to be summoned to submit out qualm to the binding arbitration of the United Kingdoms in London. This will be done under the rules of the American Arbitration Association.

This means the award rendered will be given solely by these people and is out of your control or ours.

You do not want this, believe us.

That might all sound a bit mean, but please understand that it is for your own good. The lawyers and attorneys (who are really nightmares given corporeal form) wanted us to do awful interrogation techniques on you with feathers and skittles. We denied them that and paid the price of rewriting this, so you should be happy.

Thank you for reading this!

If you have any questions, regarding our terms or use, our elliptical reviews, sole fitness or elliptical exercise equipment you can feel free to contact us at the proper link.

This Terms of Use for elliptical cardio dot com was last updated March 22, 2014!